August

Wow it's really have been a while since I write and post anything here. It's almost freaking one year lol. I've been through so many hard time anyway but it just me being me who doesn't really have time to write anything here. But well, after the hardships will come the ease so here i am being fine with everything happened? Nope. Maybe that's all because I've been busy with life, well yeah. I still couldn't tell whether I've improved anything here, like grammar or the vocabulary..? Uhm, even my life seems like doesn't improved..? 4 years has passed and I still have one ex but lucky me since I moved on from him. But hey, I hooked up with this one guy and it's been almost a year but im still here, figuring out where they've gone wrong. 2 weeks in time and it will be a year since im in love with him lol im not talking about love anyway it sucks. Couldn't wait for my final year so that I could leave the school. Fuck my grammar anyway,

December

It's 21st.

It's been awhile since I talked to you, in a friendly and lovely way. Well, I'll just try to let bygones be bygones. Perhaps I'll do better in future.

But somehow I just couldn't remove you from my life. It just too hard. Well, I used to avoid you but somehow you popped out from nowhere. Why? You are making things to go harder. Maybe it's not hard for you but for me, it is.

Blergh. I keep talking about love. Guess that I should stop from finding the "true one" and should be the "true one" instead. Day by day, I'm getting tired to cope with those heartbreaks. I slowly dying inside, I just can't. Lol. It's funny. It's been 3 months and a week since we're together, aha. But the word "we" between us are no longer exist, right? You already found your replacement, right? Hope that she will never you for granted and embrace you for who you are. I hope she knows your flaws but still love you the same and I hope she won't be giving up on you. I hope she'll make you happy, just like how I tried so hard before. I hope she will be the best one for you. I hope. Deep inside, I'm hurting but I'm happy for your happiness. I hope it will last long. Please be as nice as you were back then when you're flirting me.

With my fully heart, I forgive you. You are no longer have anything for you to say sorry for. I wish the best for you and your future. I hope time will heal. I hope I can slowly forget you and live as another normal human being. I love you, and I will always do.

November

November had really been a testing month for me. Being left by a guy that I loved and the one that I love got hospitalized. Yes, my dad. He got hospitalized. 

Ya Allah, it just like the bad things happened all in once, in a blink of an eye. I lost my strength and the one I always talk to about my problems has gone, he left me alone. With whom should I talk to? 

From now and on I should be learning on how to be an independent person and not 24 hours depending on others. 

"Those people who is with you today aren't going to be with you forever." 

-

Well, I've been wondering la why people doesn't even thinking about my feelings.

Kenapa la tak pernah langsung nak happy macam orang lain. Got a sort kind of happiness but it only lasts for like 2-3 months. Whew. Maybe it's kind of test lah kot.

So I've been tested in this kind of situation.

It begun like this. I met this guy, well he's kinda good looking. But I'm not interested with him, at all. Instead, I had been admiring another guy that isn't as good as him. I have never thought to have 'something' with that guy, I mean the guy that I met after my crush. I'm not paying my attention on that guy. On that time, I was thinking that if he's there, I'm okay with it, but if don't, it's fine.

Few weeks after that, it turns out to be another way around. He started to talk to me and I was like "Okay what does this guy wanted from me?". But it's fine, I just entertain him just like how he deserved it. He was very flirty that time but I put my ego on the highest place and I don't even expect to actually FALL into him.

He used to show his effort to 'win' my heart. Idk, maybe it's a a kind of his flirty way. But maybe I was fool enough as I was slowly fall into him. He treated me so well. It's like, if you're on my shoes, you will feel the same way. Perhaps, you might have been fallen into him a long time before me. I was being mystery with him. I didn't even tell him my full name and that time he was trying so hard to find my real name, where my house located at, and some more. I even tried to avoid him at school or anywhere, as I could. He even asked about me at my friends. That time I was feeling like "Oh this guy is very showing his effort lah." but my heart isn't fully fall for him, But then, he knew everything about me. Like, my full name, my house, who my friends are and who am I always surrounded with. (If you're looking him from a  negative side, it would make you see him as a creepy stalker, maybe.)

I finally made a 'bravely dead' step by seeing him. Face to face. Alone. I meant, just two of us.

Day by day, it seems to be a routine for us meeting everyday. We are in different classes anyway, so it makes us to stay away in a distance during school hours. But it doesn't really keep us in a distance as we walk together after school time.

I don't even know how can I fall into him. I know how he is. I know who he has been in a relationship with but it seems like doesn't bother me, at all. I don't know what is happening to me but all I felt when I'm with him is a joy. Almost all the students know about 'us' and even my online friends. I'm not expecting this, at all. But it had happened so all I can do is nothing.

He told me that he used to look for me since 2014. Well, I'm not really sure about this. But he told me so. So, yeah. He told me that he always see me walk passing his class but I dont even look at him that time. Well of course I won't be looking into the class that I don't have someone to look for, right? And I'm not searching for anyone, or have anything to do with that class. I meant, which is his class that time. I don't even give attention to him until it's 2015. But that time, I was just look at him and felt like "Oh, this guy is handsome," but I don't even thinking to be close with him. Well......why is he looking at me when there's a flock of beautiful or gorgeous girls out there. Even my friends are beautiful so I've been wondering until now, why is he looking for me? Maybe it just a lie, just to ease my heart. Or, just to create something for me to remember him like; "Oh ya we met because you used to blablabla."

I finally lowered my ego for him and I felt like it's my responsible to stay devote to him. Eventhough we're not having a relationship that time. (I meant, untill now.)

But again, it turns out to be another way around. In a negative way. I guess it's the ending of our friendship? Well, we're really having a distance now. We rarely talk. And we often fight. For a small reason. I might be blaming my swinging mood but the fight wont be last if he lowered his ego and understand my situation that time. He no longer talks to me at night, accompanying me, singing with me, spending his time with me, sharing his problem with me and perhaps he don't even love me, like how I expect him to do. Well, honestly I'm disappointed but I dont even have any power to make him come back to me. I guess everything happened like this because of me. Because of my ego. And because of I was always thinking negatively about him. He's sort of a player, not in sports. But playing with others's feelings. And my thought that time was "He's just going to play around with me,"

What a dumb mindset. Now, I've lost you. Happy 2 months and 27 days spending time together. Bye.

Yay, december.

It's been awhile since I write here. Been busy with lifes and some more. I also had been struggling for a better result in my PT3 and phew...i didnt really study bruh. But my life is quite better la since I no longer do cuts and stuffs. Sort of improvement maybe? Hahaha. And I no longer suffering for love live. Hmm tula menggatal awal sangat kut that's why selalu heartbroken. Well, school holiday has begun but I dont even have plan on what am I going to do on holidays. Oh crap, result might be out in the mid of December and I'll be having my braces and the end of December, perhaps? Haiya double of moment yang menyeksakan in December. Well, Im not that excited because I no longer can be eating those delicious marvellous scrumptions without suffering as I might hurt myself and damage my brackets. :-( Amboi attention seeker betul entry kali ni hmmm tapi kisah apa kan hmm hmm.   Kbai.

*

- She woke up with tears stain on her face. It took awhile for her to realise that she had been crying whole night long, but it doesnt matter anymore. She got up from the bed and looked herself in reflection in the mirror and found that she loss some weight as she started to see her arms getting smaller than they always be.

"Should not cry today, chin up dearself." she said, just to ease herself. She went to bathroom and get ready for school. Choosed to wear long sleeve; just to cover her bruised arms.  

School seems like too plain; without him. Friends were all there to cheer her up but that kind of urge wanting him to be with her made her felt like she lost hope. Bruises and scars on hands starting to feel hurt. She left, went to washroom just to ensure the bruises and scars didnt get worse and could be seen by others. Then, she walked out of the washroom and went to her crowd of friends. She saw him. Heart got fluterred but he didn't feel the same, for sure. Eyes met eyes; and the memories were all played smoothly in her mind. She then realised they weren't together anymore. She quickly looked away and went to her friends. School ended, she went for lunch with her friends. Then she went home.

That "eyes met eyes" scene played without even asked. She couldnt help herself anymore and she cried. Songs being played on and on. Being repeated. Same. Song. The song that brings memories between them. Gosh, tears rolled on her cheeks as fast as the rain out of the window. She missed him; and she couldnt even help herself anymore. She quickly grab her phone and all photos taken together being companion.

And she finally slept with phone on her chest; displaying their photo together, and with tears stain; again on her cheeks. 

February

January left & replaced with February. Till the middle of february, alhamdulillah everything went well but I lost two of my babies;

<Gems & Tompok, we loves you>

But then, those sadness is replaced with a very wonderful moment. Feel glad having them in my life though, thankyou Allah.

                                                      

                            

<February 13,2015>

                                                               <February 14, 2015>

<February 17.2015>

                                       Celebrating a day before chinese new year @ Domino's.

                                              May these happiness will last forever, amin.